I noticed between switching back and forth between the OK Cupid and Brad Traverse websites this morning that I use the same skills to apply for jobs as I do to essentially apply for dates.
Over the course of the past couple of months, I’ve tried desperately (ok, maybe desperate is the wrong term, very very hard) to find both a job that makes me excited to get out of bed each morning and a man that I want to stay in bed with.
Easier said than done when living in a city in which Georgetown graduates are a dime a dozen (and as I recently learned, willing to accept 30-30K a year jobs after receiving their masters degree), the men are largely under 5’7” and morning small talk at the gym involves both dating horror stories and discussions of our failed political system. All before 8AM!
My mother hand delivered my resume to the hiring director at a health policy shop a couple months ago. 300 people applied. I didn’t even get an interview. According to the 2000 US Census, there are 82 unmarried men for every 100 unmarried women in the Washington, DC/Baltimore metropolitan area. I’m forever destined to date short men and work an entry-level job. Huzzah.
Either way, the pattern is as follows:
Read description of person/job:
OKC: Do I like him? Would I want to see him with his clothes off? Does he have a job? Degree? Where does he live?
BT: Does this job sound like I’d want to kill myself? Is it interesting? Are they going to pay me? Is it in the District?
Assess potential deal breakers:
Which for me largely amount to a gentleman or a company being in Silver Spring or Arlington or someplace truly awful like Fairfax. But specifically…
OKC: Smokers, non-drinkers, vegans, people with cats, short people, people who think a lot is one word or don’t capitalize anything.
BT: Location, location, location. Having to work at the front desk and answer the phone. Making less $ than I do now.
Do I fit their needs?:
OKC: I’m too short, too old, too young, live in the wrong part of town, have the wrong diet, am not pretty enough, blond enough, Christian enough, Jewish enough, artsy enough etc.
BT: I’ve never worked on the Hill, don’t have 8+ years of experience, an advanced degree, graduated from a school in the Midwest no one on the East Coast knows exists, or the wrong degree.
Once you assess whether or not everyone needs can potentially be met:
OKC: Compose a witty e-mail that allows you to come across as spontaneous and awesome, yet well educated and successful. Make sure to ask questions that pertain to their profile so they have a reason to respond beyond “hey back”.
BT: Re-edit cover letter, resume, writing sample, hit send.
And then you wait and wait and wait and wait for one of the many potential outcomes:
Outcome 1- He looks at your profile, deems you unworthy and never responds (reassess why you are online dating, think for a moment you still might be able to meet people the old fashion way- drunk at a bar at 2am)
Outcome 2- You exchange a couple e-mails but nothing along the line of drinks, dates or marriage come of it.
Outcome 3- Meet for a drink. It is super awkward and terrible -or- you make out on a street corner and he never calls again -or- you date for a couple weeks until he falls off the face of the earth but calls for a booty call about 3 weeks later -or- you fall madly in love.
Obviously Outcome 3, part 4 is ideal + marriage and babies and a white picket fence.
Outcome 1- You never hear from them.
Outcome 2- You get a rejection e-mail and you are momentary touched that they at least took the time to reject you.
Outcome 3- You go in for an interview and then you never hear from the company again, despite a nicely worded e-mail to the HR director in regards to the status of your candidacy.
Outcome 4- You get the job and it is super awesome and you love it!
Please note, OKC Outcome 3, part 4 and BT Outcome 4 almost never happen, therefore you are back to the drawing board starting at your first step. Over and over and over again.