An OK Cupid Dating History

The yo-yo dude:  The yo-yo dude was my first OKC date.  The moment he walked up, I knew there was no attraction.  He was painfully shy and nervous throughout happy hour, so I proceeded to drink (we all deal with nerves in different ways) and run my mouth through the awkward silences.  As we were getting on the metro to go to our respective homes, he pulled a yo-yo out of his pocket and started doing tricks with it.  That’s right, walkin’ the dog right there on the red line platform.  While I was for sure traumatized, it is still a funny story 9 months later. 

The dude I got drunk with:  My second date didn’t fair much better, but at least he didn’t have any toys or tricks up his sleeve.  We G Chatted most of the week (which I advise against, as you run out of all the get-to-know-you chit chat before you meet in person) and made plans to walk around the Mall and go the the Air and Space Museum.  Somehow we ended up drinking a pint of whiskey mixed with Coke out of the bottle and eating vender hot dogs.  And that was that.  

The Dungeons and Dragons nerd:  We met at the Bottom Line one night last summer.  We couldn’t hear each other over the loud music and packed bar, so we ended up cutting our losses after an hour.  I had to go let my boss’ dog out and he had to get to Baltimore for his weekly Dungeons and Dragons game.  After we hugged good-bye, he asked me if I wanted to make out. 

“On K and Connecticut?” I shrugged, “I guess.”  And make out we did in front of the Friday evening commuters. 

The dude I considered stabbing to end brunch:  I met a guy for brunch last fall without much e-mailing back and forth before we made plans.  He again wasn’t my type— pictures can sometimes be very deceiving — and painfully nervous.  Conversation went something like this:

“So, you’re from Ohio.”

“Yup.”  SILENCE. 

I figured my options were either begging him to immediately improve his conversational skills or shoveling my eggs into my mouth at a rapid rate.  I chose to shovel, which was made worse by the fact that he was the slowest eater in the whole mother fucking world.  After 45 minutes I couldn’t take it anymore, paid my bill, waved goodbye and got the fuck out of there.  I resolved never to agree to a first date that involved an entire meal ever again. 

The Kiwi:  I had drinks a couple of times with a Kiwi who was well over a foot taller than me.  He referred to me as a “wee one” and made off handed comments along the lines of “when I was in Haiti with Sean Penn”.  Our relationship was inevitably cut short by my horrendous fall travel schedule, although I do think we could have been very happy together (and Sean Penn could have officiated our wedding).

That is one of the things about online dating— if you meet a nice girl and she is out of town for 2 weeks, you can simply find another to meet your needs. 

The Geeky Giant:  Aptly nicknamed by Natalie, he was 6’2” and had a PHD in Economics.  We had drinks for the first time the night I was convinced I gave Helen Thomas strep throat.  He was one of those smart people that remembered every single thing you ever said and reminded you as such when you repeated yourself.  If you know me at all, I repeat myself a lot. 

We dated around the holidays— and by dating I mean we went out to fancy dinners and then I would fall asleep while watching terrible movies of his choosing.  6 weeks in I wasn’t sure if we actually liked each other or if he actually knew anything about me.  Plus, I’m fairly certain he viewed my inability to control my fidgeting when trying to fall sleep as a personality flaw.  Although I must say, he was phenomenal at the phase out.  One day I woke up and realized I hadn’t heard from him in a whole week.  Brilliant. 

Side note- he plays kickball on Thursdays too.  He was very shocked to see my last week.  I smiled and gave him a hug.  He continued to look shocked.  And that was the end of it.

The industry dude:  This guy and I met through OKC but worked in the same industry and knew a lot of people in common.  He was interested in a position that was opening up in my company, which eventually made things awkward.  While we could have been an industry power couple (!), I couldn’t really handle parts of my life mixing together.  I like to keep things as separate as possible and get really bugged out when they don’t.  Just ask me about when my co-worker dated my roommate. 

The guy who didn’t know he was gay:  I stayed for exactly one drink with this guy, claiming early work obligations the second I sat down.  He had a weak handshake and a flamboyant way of speaking and I’m convinced he just didn’t know he liked dudes yet.  There was absolutely no attraction.  Towards the end of the date, he asked me matter of factly if I’d like to go somewhere and make out.  I told him that wasn’t really my thing (K and Conn make out excepted).

He continued to explain that where he was from (Portland), you had to be up front about these things because girls are so “passive-aggressive”.  I think he maybe meant prude or shy.  Either way.  It was one of those dates that make you feel like karma is coming to bite you.  Hard.

The dude the Hating Dating Blogger hated:  We had drinks one night after work.  I had not eaten dinner, thus proceeded to get mildly intoxicated off a couple of Alagash Whites.  While he was a little on the short side, I enjoyed his company and conversation.  Despite some random text messages following our date, I never heard from him again, although that might be because I spilled the beans about this and his pride was moderately wounded.  Or because I was his little sister’s age. 

The L3:  The L3 and I met for drinks on Sunday.  We drank German beer and shared pretzels while he told me things about his mother and talked about his friends the law students.  We ended up calling it quits after 2 hours so he could go home to study and I was truly too sunburned to be in public.  There was nothing wrong with him, but there was just no spark and we had little in common.  The date was largely unmemorable, save for the fact that he got Brooks Brother’s points on his credit card.


While a lot of these dates were bad, they were still more dates than I’d gone on the year before (which is none).  Either way, not a good track record.  Which is why after weeks of threats, I am knocking off the online dating for a bit.  It has been officially disable.  Wish me luck in finding a man the old fashion way (in person).


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