I LACK A GREEN THUMB
I’ve almost successfully killed the last of the office plants. It isn’t something I do intentionally, I just have no green thumb whatsoever. I killed bamboo plants once and say with certainty that I could probably kill a cactus if the opportunity presented itself.
I had only been at my current office for a couple of months when I killed the bamboo, after I had been informed by my CEO that his wife had purchased the plants specifically for the front desk. I felt obligated to send the following e-mail:
Dear CEO’s Wife,
I am writing to offer my sincere apologizes for killing the bamboo plants you so thoughtfully purchased for our office. It wasn’t my lack of affection for the plants, nor my neglect that caused them to parish, but my incredible lack of green thumb and poor plant management skills. I promise to do better in the future. I’ve researched plant care in depth during the end of the bamboo plants’ lifespan and promise to apply my new information and skills from this day forward.
The plants will be given a proper burial and mourning period before they are replaced by other plants.
Your Husband’s Crap Staff Assistant
SPEAKING OF DEATH
I just asked my co-worker what he was getting his mother for Mother’s Day. “She’s passed,” he said. God, do I feel awkward now. But seriously, Mother’s Day is Sunday and my mom’s birthday is Monday. What do you get for the woman who has everything and the one things she didn’t have and wanted, she bought for herself last week? Please send me ideas before I get her yet another picture of me and my brothers posing awkwardly in a cheap frame from TJ Maxx. Thanks!
THE WORST SENTENCE THAT EVER LIVED
Based on a true story; two brothers; against all the odds; come together to train for a historic title bout that has the power to reunite their fractured family and give their hard-luck town what it’s been waiting for: pride.
That copy editor loves colons; and semi-colons. That sentence was to describe the movie “The Fighter” by the way. Seriously, how that person got a job writing is beyond my comprehension.