At the start of this year I made a decision that I was going to steadfastly expect people to treat me the way I treated them. Seemingly a simple decision, but a difficult undertaking for a girl who likes to give and doesn’t always take. I picked some fights and lost some friends as a result, but both were for my own benefit at the very end.
I quickly realized that applying this to my dating life was most essential. I’ve always had a small affection for the bad boys and everyone and their mother knows that doesn’t get a girl anywhere. There is a difference between buying me dinner and asking about my day– and ultimately, I’d prefer to split the bill and be able to talk about my many feelings, as opposed to eating a $36 entree.
K is kind to me. He makes me feel comfortable. He asks me how I’m doing and let’s me steal the covers at night and once when I called him out for being an asshole— he apologized. And I was shocked. For weeks after we first started dating I waited for the ground to fall out from under me and then it took a couple more weeks to accept that it wasn’t going to.
I’ve been in so many tumultuous relationships that thrived on one-sided or hurt feelings, I actually had to sit myself down and give myself a pep talk. Do not fuck this up. This is good. My friend Kagan (who has known me since I was a kid and stood by me in both my finest and very worst moments) exclaimed– it’s about time you learn to like a nice boy.
I have always been a caretaker– whether it was for my friends or brothers or family or other peoples’ children, I have always taken great care of others’ lives. Moving to DC and being solely by myself was the first time in a long time I felt I got to be selfish. I had to take care of me– just me. I would fix every problem and change every diaper and listen to every meltdown again in a second, but being in DC was the first time I didn’t really have to. I didn’t do anything I didn’t want to do. I answered only to myself.
It’s been years since I’ve had a boyfriend. Being on my own for as long as I’ve been makes navigating the world of relationships and compromises a very new endeavor but in no way unwanted. TB says a relationship is just one big compromise, but with lots and lots of benefits. I’m enjoying both. And because I’m enjoying both and because K is nice to me and because I’m happy in this very moment– I have nothing to write about.
(And heaven help me, I hope I didn’t just jinx myself.)