Monthly Archives: September 2011

10 on Thursday – Friday Edition

1.  I thought yesterday was Monday for the majority of the day.  Imagine my excitement when I realized it was actually Thursday, which made the next day Friday.

2.  My BFF4EVA Bro Edition, also known as my official friendly companion, rolls into town today from Chicago.  I am very excited.

3.  I am in charge of a 349 year old dog named Rowdy this weekend.  I am petrified that he will drop dead of old age on my watch, but I very much look forward to spooning with him.

4.  I got this message from a dude on Ok Cupid this weekend, which is like fail #2384.

What are you doing with your life that makes you worthwhile?  You seem life a cool person, but I’m on the fence…Do you know any good bars in the DC area?

Did he want me to sway him in my favor?  To respond and plead the case of my awesomeness?  Midnight_Raver, you are a douche.

5.  I was walking out of breakfast one morning at the conference in Wichita eating a bowl out oatmeal when one of the attendees said, “Be careful.  If you keep eating that stuff, you’ll look like me one day.”

I looked down at my oatmeal and responded, “What- lumpy?”.  And my social skills amaze me once again.

6.  I accidentally sent out a blank e-mail to the entire staff this morning.  My co-workers sent multiple smart ass responses thanking me for my riveting e-mail, responding with a blank message of their own or asking me if I was testing their mind reading skills.

7.  For the low low price of $99 someone is coming to scrub my toilet and vacuum my living room next week.  I warned the woman I spoke to on the phone that I lived in a house full of boys.  “Young lady,” she said, “I raised 3 sons and have 5 grandsons.  I understand.”

I am so excited for someone else to clean my house, it is unreal.  Being that my mother will also be seeing my home for the first time, it is necessary.  I’d like her to think that her daughter doesn’t live in a barn.  Just maybe a pigsty.

8.  I was forced to wear my navy work polo and dockers today.  I will never get a date in this outfit.

9.  The new staff assistant doesn’t know to remove the blue M&M’s from my old supervisor’s M&M rations.  This will be going on her performance review.

10.  Andy B– you’re so dreamy.

Have a good weekend, y’all!  Back at it Monday morning.

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The Ta

Friday I came fairly close to losing my shit at the office, which is why I failed to mention that I’d be departing for Wichita, Kansas on Sunday and most likely be absent from the internets for a couple of days.

Josephina was concerned after one entire day without a single g chat conversation and texted me in panic.  When I responded that I was stuck in the Wichita Hyatt playing Angry Birds and staring at the clock, she responded– I disprove.  You should only be in Kansas if you are buying cattle. 

I’m inclined to agree, although I can’t say I had the worst time in Kansas.  I flew in a day early to meet my friend Spano from college.  She currently lives about 2 hours away from Wichita in Lawrence and was kind enough to make the trek to The Ta or Whichittie as it is fondly called to spend the day with me.

We went straight from the airport to the first bar we could find open on a Sunday and spent a marvelous afternoon drinking bloody marys in the sunshine, catching up and most importantly– making BFF4EVA Louisa jealous.

The three of us were a bit of a tripod in college and spent countless (and I truly mean countless) hours on bar patios and back porches drinking beer, smoking cigarettes and congratulating one another on being so awesome.  Being that our activities that day in Wichita were about the same, we decided to text Louisa as often as we could.

It started out pretty standard–  I took a picture of Spano and she took a picture of me.  We took pictures of the bloody marys and then the mimosas.  A picture of a gigantic stuffed reindeer.

Louisa responded to demand we quit having fun without her, which only encouraged us.  We let her know we bought her a gift.

And that we were going to stop having fun right after we drank this wine out of a styrofoam cup in our hotel room.  At our hotel that had indoor mini golf.

And then eat a delicious dinner– at one point in our young lives, our favorite.

Then do some light reading.

It was at this point that I may or may not have sent her a picture of my cleavage, but I surely will not post that on the internet.  The majority of Louisa’s responses were along the lines of “suck it!” and “stop it!” and “please come help me pack”, which Spano and I felt deemed our mission a great success.

More about Wichita tomorrow.  I’ve got fucking work to do.  Peace.

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Y’all,

In Wichita (also know as The Ta or Wichitittie I’ve learned) for work and think typing beyond the occasional e-mail on this iPad is annoying. Full post tomorrow. For once, work is taking priority. It’s really a damn shame.

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Ten on Thursday

I told you it was a thing now!  Disclaimer (family): 1, 2 and 3 are mildly inappropriate and mostly about sex.

1.  The best text message I got this week:
 
My 22 year old brother:  Would it be weird if I courted a 30 year old?
Next text:  I’m sorry, but she’s into me and I want to be make sure.
Next next text:  I mean, she was probably having sex in the 90’s.
 
2.  The next best text message:
 
Friend:  I’ve been sleeping with this guy and during sex he told me he loved me.  That means he was in love with the sex, not me, right?
Me:  Yeah, I would probably just pretend it never happened.
Friend:  Already done.  I gave him a high five on his way out the door just to be clear there was no love.
 

3.  While we were straight kickin’ it last night, Roommate A brought up this article and said he didn’t know what a female condom looked like.  FOR COMPLETELY EXPLAINABLE REASONS*, I happened to have one and busted it out for an informal sex ed lesson.  Roommate A & B stared in awe and confusion for a couple minutes at the female condom and then proceeded to debate the benefits of hollowing out a piece of fruit for demonstrational purposes.  Alas, we didn’t have the proper sized fruit on hand, so we went for ice cream instead.

4.  *A friend of mine from college worked for a county AIDs project in Kansas, therefore she always had a shit ton of condoms in the trunk of her car.  Anything and everything that has been mailed to me from said person (my forgotten rugby cleats, gifts from her trip to Costa Rica, birthday present etc.) have always always included a bunch of condoms and lube samples.  It’s her thing.  And we love her for it.

5.  My co-worker banned me to the other side of the conference room during lunch yesterday because I was eating tuna.  I love tuna, so I was OK with it.

6.  I looked at a different co-worker yesterday and said, “god, it feels like Monday” because this week will never end.  And she said, “god, it feels like Friday” because the week had been so long.  Same sentiments, different angle.

7.  Me and the new staff assistant are wearing almost exactly the same outfits today– black tops and black and white skirts of the geometrical shape variety.  Although, I am wearing black shoes and hers are more of a nude shade.  We both look damn good.

8.  And I’m wearing a headband– so apparently, I’ve got a whole Hillary Clinton look going for me.

9.  Roommate B and I have gone running TWO DAYS IN A ROW.  Using my degenerate calculator:  2 days x 1.4 miles – 1 ice cream cone + asparagus = I burned 14,000 calories and increased my life expectancy by a year.

10.  I’m going to Wichita next week for work.  Based on how much I fucking love Nebraska, I have good feelings about Kansas.

 

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Gross!

I accompanied Roommate B to the grocery last night in a very last ditch attempt to avoid the gym.  I spent the majority of our time at Safeway following him up and down the aisles judging his food choices.  I’m sure he wished I stayed home.  After I called red peppers icky and his corn gross– he deemed me a picky child.  I’m really not that picky.  I just don’t like a whole lot of vegetables.

“What about brussels sprouts?” he asked, trying to figure out a compromise for our dinner, being that I’d already shot down his first 3 suggestions.

“Brussel spouts are delicious when you cook them in bacon,” I responded.

He stared at me blankly for a minute before responding, “HOW DO YOU MANAGE TO MAKE EVERYTHING UNHEALTHY, WOMAN?!”

It’s really quite easy.  Roommate B cooked us chicken sausage and double onions for dinner– the double onions being sauteed onions and the onions mixed in with our bag of frozen potatoes.  And then we drank an entire bottle of wine.  We went running this morning though, so it was 100% OK.

Yes, mocking my roommate for eating corn was the highlight of my Tuesday.  Which is sad.  I can’t figure out if I should get a life or a boyfriend or a hobby.  Maybe I’ll start knitting, since the boyfriend thing might be kind of hard.

And back to yesterday’s post–

Note to self:  A slip doesn’t make you all lady-like when it starts to ride up while walking through Metro Center and you think it’s a good idea to try and hike it down while standing on a street corner.

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2 things–

Because I am busy as shit today.  Again.

1.  I am wearing a slip and feel like such a lady.  All like– no, sir, I won’t accidentally flash you in my business dress because I am wearing proper undergarments.

2.  This is straight up one of those pathetic first world problems but do you know how hard it is to keep all of these things charged and on my person?  I had to buy a bigger purse.  (And yes, I take my model airplane with me everywhere I go.)

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Weekend Update: H Street Fest

I had a most excellent time at the H Street Festival this weekend and I hope you did too.   If you did not attend the festival or live in the the greater DC areaa, I highly suggest you make the journey next year for Tacos Impala and lots of drunk hipster kids.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

My pre-H Street Fest activities Saturday morning included the birthday celebration of 1 year old Carson.  I drove all the way to Reston, Virginia and paid 4 whole dollars in tolls to hand over my gift, steal a cupcake and pat the kiddo on the head.  Carson was sick of all the poking and cooing about 16 seconds into the party, so I had to bribe him with 2 crackers to let me hold him for a minute.  I’m so not above bribing children for their affections.

Let’s be real here– the best part of the birthday party invitation was an excuse to sit in Barnes and Nobles for 30 minutes Friday evening reading kids books.  Nothing like a couple minutes with Frog and Toad to end a damn long week.  I did have to lodge a formal complaint with management– as they didn’t have Ride A Purple Pelican in stock, which is just an insult to childhoods everywhere.

FLATTERER

I’m fairly certain the entire neighborhood started day drinking on Saturday.  Or at least I hope that was the following gentleman’s excuse for this–

Strange hipster boy:  You’re beautiful.  How’d you become so attractive?
Me:  I was made this way.
SHB:  What do they feed you to make you that way?
Me:  Mostly salami.

GAME!  I’ve got so much of it.  Whatever– he was not cute.

OKC FAIL #3:

1 of the 2 whole people I’ve e-mailed was at the same bar as me Saturday night.  First and foremost– he was not that good looking and had what looked like small caterpillars as eyebrows.  Yet he did not respond to my witty and well thought out message.  Which is obviously bullshit.

But secondly and really the highlight of the experience (besides praying he didn’t look at me and be like– hey, that strange girl hit on me via the internets and I rejected her) was when he accidently punched me in my boob as I walked by.  So that happened.

Work has been BANANAS.  More tomorrow.

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TGIF

MY FRIDAY PANTS

Somehow these gray chinos from Banana Republic have unofficially become my Friday pants.  I wore them all summer with tank tops and sandals to the office and then transitioned them nicely into a boot and sweater outfit this morning.  If my younger self could see me now, she’d be all like– What the fuck are you wearing?  Have you no pride in your appearance?  And we know those cream colored pants in your closet are khakis!

OKC FAIL #2

Some dude who is my “quiver match” has the following for his self-summary:

When I was younger, I used to stand in the ocean and throw rocks to anger the waves. I would brace myself against the big ones with all my strength, hoping to be swept off my feet. Only if you can’t hang on any more can you truly let go. Rising up so I might fall again, breathless, defiant: that’s how I try to live.

I’m sure that does it for some women, but tame it down, dude.  Reading that ranked just below someone trying to read me poetry.  And that would make me drop dead.

THANK GOD

Hallelujah baby jesus this week is over.  Celebrating Friday morning with lattes and my favorite Nelly Pandora station.  Have a good weekend y’all.  If you need me– I’ll be at the H Street Festival staying as far away as humanly possible from Little Miss Whiskey’s Awesome Sauce, as to not repeat last year, as well as eating street vendor food like it’s my damn job.

P.S.  This song just totally came on.  Deep.

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Ten on Thursday

(Because it’s going to be a thing now.)

1.  I am wearing a new dress and look quite fabulous.  I mean– I’d date me.  The one thing about it is the sleeves are like WAY too long.  Like you’d have to be a giant for these sleeves to fit your wingspan correctly.

2.  Speaking of long wingspans.  I met a girl that was 6’6″ the other day.  I was like– damn girl, how tall are you?  And then profusely apologized for being so rude.

3.  I just realized that Former Roommate C and Fiance’s wedding is the weekend before one of our huge gigantic board meetings.  I am going to need to find a dress that matches my blackberry, as I’ll most likely be responding to e-mails between dance numbers.

4.  They are getting married at a bourbon distillery in Lexington, Kentucky.  I can’t think of a better reason to bust out my party cowboy boots.


5.  Ok Cupid e-mails sent:  2.  Responses:  0.  This is going well.

6.  According to my morning Facebook stalking, it is sweater and boot weather in Minnesota.  I can’t wait for sweater and boot weather.  I am so over mid-70’s, low 80’s.  Bring on the fall.

7.  I lovingly stroked my snowboard last night and wished for snow.  I was at the U.S. Snowboard Open in Vermont 2 years ago right after the Olympics.  Shaun White was “sick” so he didn’t compete, but I did see his flaming head of red hair in the participants tent.  I had assumed that we’d meet, bond over ginger jokes and hair care products and then be best friends forever.  Strange how that didn’t happen.  He might be a bit of a dick, but still pretty impressive.

8.  I keep knocking over everything.  I spilled water on my desk TWICE yesterday.  Like 2 whole times.  And that low number was only because I had so many near-misses over the course of my day.  At least now my desk is clean.

9. Most mornings Josephine e-mails me to point out some glaring error in my blog post from the day before.  Breaks and brakes, for example.  I know the difference between the two words in theory, but not in execution as it turns out.  Bless her and the universe that gave me really smart cousins.

10.  Jo would also like you all to know the following about beets:

Did you know that beets are really really hard to cut?  And you have to boil them first?  And they will stain your hands?  I’m obsessed with beets.  Beets are really in right now.

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Hump Day

NEED FOR SPEED

I have to consciously apply the brakes when I’m biking down Capitol Hill in the morning so I don’t kill myself or someone else.  I feel the wind in my hair and the breeze on my face and all I want in this world is to bike as fast as my little Fuji will allow.  Which has the potential to be really fast– that is a really steep hill.  I then I remind myself how much it will hurt if I crash and slow down a bit.

I have the same issue snowboarding.  I start flying down the hill and a little voice in my head screams S-TURNS, GIRL repeatedly as warning that if I continue at such a pace, I’m catching an edge and tumbling my ass down a mountain.  On a somewhat related side note– I didn’t go snowboard once last winter and I’m ashamed of myself.  I’d like to you all to start planning my snowboarding excursions now please.

UH-OH

My tupperware of leftover meatloaf and potatoes exploded on my way to work this morning.  When I pulled my big girl shoes out of my bag, I found it in this state (see below).  I can’t decide if that starting out your Wednesday with a potato in your high heels means the day can’t get any worse or any better.

OKC FAIL #1

I decided to bite the bullet and message someone this morning.  I found an attractive man who looked moderately normal.  We had things in common like hating tomatoes and loving bacon.  He just moved here from Chicago, so I sent him a message along the lines of– I lived in Chicago too!  I’m super awesome and normal.

As I hit send and scrolled to the bottom of his profile, I noticed under his you should message me if section he’d written:  I’m a firm believer the guy should approach the girl.

Fail.  Logged off and quit for the day.  That was enough for one week.

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