I told you it was a thing now! Disclaimer (family): 1, 2 and 3 are mildly inappropriate and mostly about sex.1. The best text message I got this week: My 22 year old brother: Would it be weird if I courted a 30 year old? Next text: I’m sorry, but she’s into me and I want to be make sure. Next next text: I mean, she was probably having sex in the 90’s. 2. The next best text message: Friend: I’ve been sleeping with this guy and during sex he told me he loved me. That means he was in love with the sex, not me, right? Me: Yeah, I would probably just pretend it never happened. Friend: Already done. I gave him a high five on his way out the door just to be clear there was no love.
3. While we were straight kickin’ it last night, Roommate A brought up this article and said he didn’t know what a female condom looked like. FOR COMPLETELY EXPLAINABLE REASONS*, I happened to have one and busted it out for an informal sex ed lesson. Roommate A & B stared in awe and confusion for a couple minutes at the female condom and then proceeded to debate the benefits of hollowing out a piece of fruit for demonstrational purposes. Alas, we didn’t have the proper sized fruit on hand, so we went for ice cream instead.
4. *A friend of mine from college worked for a county AIDs project in Kansas, therefore she always had a shit ton of condoms in the trunk of her car. Anything and everything that has been mailed to me from said person (my forgotten rugby cleats, gifts from her trip to Costa Rica, birthday present etc.) have always always included a bunch of condoms and lube samples. It’s her thing. And we love her for it.
5. My co-worker banned me to the other side of the conference room during lunch yesterday because I was eating tuna. I love tuna, so I was OK with it.
6. I looked at a different co-worker yesterday and said, “god, it feels like Monday” because this week will never end. And she said, “god, it feels like Friday” because the week had been so long. Same sentiments, different angle.
7. Me and the new staff assistant are wearing almost exactly the same outfits today– black tops and black and white skirts of the geometrical shape variety. Although, I am wearing black shoes and hers are more of a nude shade. We both look damn good.
8. And I’m wearing a headband– so apparently, I’ve got a whole Hillary Clinton look going for me.
9. Roommate B and I have gone running TWO DAYS IN A ROW. Using my degenerate calculator: 2 days x 1.4 miles – 1 ice cream cone + asparagus = I burned 14,000 calories and increased my life expectancy by a year.
10. I’m going to Wichita next week for work. Based on how much I fucking love Nebraska, I have good feelings about Kansas.