Monthly Archives: October 2011

That’s What She Said

SORRY I’M A DICK or SORRY, I’M A DICK.  LITERALLY.

I don’t know if you’ve ever had the pleasure of cruising around town with a man dressed as a gigantic penis, but I highly recommend it.  A passerby rolled down the window of her car and yelled “HEY MISTER DICK!” before we’d even gotten halfway out of the house.  The roommates and I felt it really started off the night on the good foot.  Watching Roommate A get the gigantic penis and balls into the back seat of a Volvo sedan was so amusing I would have happily walked right back into the house and deemed it a successful evening.

I’M A SLUTTY [insert costume here].

I saw many a slutty Halloween costumes this weekend– such as a slutty blackjack player, a slutty geisha and my all time favorite– a slutty cow with wings.  It took us about 18 hours to realize she was actually slutty Red Bull*.  How does one decide it’s a good idea to dress up as a slutty caffeinated beverage for Halloween?  Now only if she’d gotten someone to dress up as slutty vodka.  They would have been such a team.

ME

I went as the lamest Pippy Longstocking ever Friday night and then switched it up with lots of glittery makeup and fairy wings Saturday night.  I was literally attacked with purple eyeshow and an aerosol can of silver glitter.  That is a lot of costuming for someone who hates Halloween as much as I do.

After a couple beers Saturday night I realized how fun it was to “cocoon” myself  in my fairy wings and then allow them to snap open.  A couple of innocent bystanders may have been smacked in the face as a result of this game, but I was OK with it, as I was forced to look at their breasts and/or fake blood all night long.

*Right?  Cows were in their ad campaign once?

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Who wants to date Danny Mac?

Doin’ the Grown-Up’s gentleman of the week is the one and only frat boy friend Danny Mac.  He can read more than sports scores, uses really big words in drunken conversation and is really really tall.  I’d develop a crush on him myself if he didn’t live so damn far outside the city limits (likes for real, I think he might even be OUTSIDE the Beltway, so you probably need a car to date him).  He didn’t have a female roommate willing to provide his dating profile, so alas, the responsibility has fallen to me.

About Danny Mac:

Besides enjoying long walks on the beach, moonlit horseback rides and purchasing fancy cars with automatic transmissions, Danny enjoys the finer things in life.  He’d like to find a good woman that appreciates a delicious meal and decent bottle of wine as much as he does.  A woman that reads real books (not just Snooki’s latest), has opinions about the universe and isn’t an asshole.  He’s a fan of blonds and brunettes, but is flexible in that regard as long as they are “hot as shit”.  A love of travel and hate of reality TV are also on his list of requests.

So if you’ve got the wicked smarts like Danny Mac and are a nice human being and would like to sit around discussing Atlas Shrugged over a bottle of Merlot, e-mail me at dointhegrownup@gmail.com.  Have a good weekend y’all and Happy Halloween!

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5 on Thursday

Because it is damn close to my bedtime.  And I had a crap day.

1.  Roommate B is eating a steak that cost $2.  That is 8 quarters he paid for a piece of meat.  He swears he cooked it perfectly, but it literally tastes like cow.  It’s not delicious.

2.  Roommate A modeling his Halloween costume (see below).  Yup, you’re seeing correctly.  That’s a penis.  They tried to talk me into wearing it along the lines of– if you live in a house full of boys long enough, you’ll grow one of your own– but I’ve got my heart set on being Pippi Longstocking for the 80th year in a row.

3.  So I will have my hair in pigtails and wearing mismatched socks.  Other girls will be dress liked this.  I think my favorite is the “sexy perfect soft-boiled egg”.

4.  I finally caved and put on tights this morning.  I’ve accepted the coats and the layers and the scarves, but tights are a whole new level of winter acceptance.  Gentleman, I’m sure you don’t understand, but wearing tights feels like your insides are being squished together.  I once tried purchasing the largest size of tights in the store to minimize inside squishing, but turns out that size is just made for woman with legs that are 7 feet long.

5.  Ok, maybe I really only had 4.  But we’ve got a fine lookin’ single man to pimp out tomorrow.  And tomorrow is Friday.  So we’ve got that going for us.

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Ahoy!

CAN’T TOUCH THIS

I’m very busy at the moment writing up my performance review for work.  It’s hard to not just write really big in red marker I’M THE BOMB across my job description and turn it in.  I can’t imagine that the VP I report to would be very amused.  And I’m sure that non-amusement would probably mess with my raise and bonus in December, so I’m actually writing things down like plays nice with others and doesn’t bite on the playground.

Just kidding.  It’s more along the lines of– has worked on my sass problem.  Can rattle off the Boss Man’s birthday and social security number faster than my own.  Doesn’t lose receipts.  Am super great at keeping the petty cash organized because I can count real good.  It’s going well.

This is where I’m going to remind you that I paid $100,000 for college and I’m not bitter whatsoever.  I think at one point I wanted to change the world.  Now I’m changing the way I color code the Boss Man’s Outlook calendar one event at a time.

SPEAKING OF WORK

The video keeps freezing on my iPad but I can’t really ask anyone in the office to help me trouble shoot because then I’d have to admit I broke it watching Sons of Anarchy for hours on end over the weekend.  I can’t really be all like– hey, will you help me fix this fancy electronic devise you bought me for work-related purposes?  I have not been able to stare Jax Teller’s fine ass and contemplate joining a biker gang in days!

AND

This is the best thing ever.  Political nerds, you will thank me.

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Monday

TEN ON THURSDAY

There was only 9.  Turns out I can’t count.  Danny was the one that caught it, therefore:

10.  Danny’s really fancy car is an automatic.

SORRY

Due to a series of events I ended up spending most of Friday afternoon babysitting my co-workers 9 month old (thus the lack in posting).  It was just like college except I was in professional clothes instead of sweatpants.  The Soap channel daytime line-up hasn’t even changed.  Baby C and I bonded, he took a nap, I took a nap, he woke up, shoveled my dress in his mouth and babbled for 30 minutes while we watched 90210.  A hard day at the office.

LITERALLY

Remember when I accidentally bought all that ridiculous underwear that has things written on the butt?  The “I get around” underwear got mixed in with Barrington’s things when he was visiting and is currently in Chicago.  They literally got around.

AND

It’s getting weird how into this guy I am.

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10 on Thursday

1.  I am fully aware that my blogging skills sucked this week, but quite frankly I had nothing interesting to say.  As it goes– if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all and if you can’t think if witty shit to post on the internets, force your readers to continue Facebook stalking to kill time at the office.  My deepest apologies.

2.  I repeat, who wants to date Andy B?  Poor showing, y’all.  He is adorable and just waiting to be spooned.

3.  He did inform me Friday afternoon that he actually voted for Kerry in a college-induced liberal haze.  I stand corrected.

4.  I got an e-mail from my friend last night telling me he found my profile on the dating website HowAboutWe.  I signed myself up last summer and then promptly forgot about it, as they wanted me to pay money to participate.  And I will not pay money to get rejected by strangers on the internet.  I can do that for free, thank you very much.

It took me 10 whole minutes to figure out how to delete my profile this morning, which is a long time to try and remove yourself from a dating website.

5.  There was another thing about breasts, but I decided it was inappropriate.  Here is the second thing about breasts though:  The font was entirely too small on the name tags at the conference in Wichita last month.  It was about halfway through the reception that I realized the 100+ male attendees were not trying to look down my shirt, but read my name tag.

6.  Roommate A likes to put this carpet freshener powder on the floor before he vacuums, which he did last night with passion.  He is partial to the Hawaiian scent, which makes our house smell like a tropical brothel.  Fruity and trashy!

7.  How ’bout Ohio?  It’s just like Jumanji!  Can you imagine having to call 911 because you have a lion straight kicking it in your backyard?

8.  My friend Kate (who lives in Chicago) texted me the other day to ask me why I was listening to country music.  Thanks, Spotify, for broadcasting my poor music taste to the entire world.  I’ll listen to Adele on repeat for 3 days or country music if I damn well please.

9.  Roommate A was Brett Favre’s penis last year for Halloween and being that he didn’t want to let a perfectly good penis costume go to waste, has settled on dressing as Anthony Weiner’s penis this year.  There is never a short of penis scandals, are there?

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OKC Fail #24690

Message from a 22 year old:  I’d respectively date the shit out of you.

Sorry for the blog negligence– the boss man is in town this week.

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Who wants to date Andy B?

Ladies, I introduce to you my friend Andy B.  He’s easy on the eyes and knows his way around the kitchen.  I’d date him but he voted for Bush.

About Andy B (according to his roommate Natalie):

Loves working out, pasta conniseur, Utah-bred, football-loving (Go PACKERS!) (editor’s note:  GO VIKINGS!), athletic, burbon slogger, former GOP staffer, romantic but not an a “makes me want to throw up” way.  His is on the market for an outdoorsy chick who’s up for anything.  Looks-wise he prefers blondes but the most important thing is NO SKINNY BITCHES.  He generally goes for a little junk in the trunk.  God bless him (amen).  Andy B is sweet and always up for a good time whether it be a hike in the woods or day drinking.  He is laid back and has an infectious laugh and smile.

So ladies– if you would like to go out on a date with Andy B or know someone who might, e-mail me at dointhegrownup@gmail.com.

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10 on Thursday

1.  Those Occupy DC kids are going to smell pretty funky by the end of the day with all this rain.  I’m inclined to start spraying Febreze around McPherson Park as a precaution.

2.  My friend Liza (who’s adventures you can read about here) sent me a picture of her new friend JoJo this week.  I am incredibly jealous.  I did get to spoon a howler monkey this summer but that is an ORANGUTAN!  And JoJo and I kind of match, so obviously we should be friends.

3.  I stepped in a gigantic puddle this morning and now the inside of my boots are wet.  Not awesome.

4.  I have no cavities!  My dentist wears Canadian tuxedo scrubs, so he quite obviously knows what he is talking about.  He did recommend a mouth guard for my teeth grinding issue– which is really going be detrimental to my dating life.  If I ever get one.

5.  I consistently frustrate pilates and yoga instructors everywhere with my shoulders.  The conversation usually goes like this–

Instructor:  Relax your shoulders.
Me:  THEY ARE RELAXED.
Instructor:  No, you need to put your shoulders down.
Me:  I am trying!  They just don’t go down anymore!
 

In my new attempts to actively not spend the majority of my day with my shoulders as close to my ears as possible, I keep demanding my tall coworkers stand behind me and jam my shoulders down.  It’s weird but I think it’s working.  If I know you in real life– please feel free to participate.

6.  Hahaha.

7.  From this day forth– the walk of shame will now be called the stride of pride.  I’m fairly certain that Natalie didn’t actually make that up but I’m going to give her credit.

8.  My mom sent me a subscription to a cooking magazine, which is both incredibly thoughtful and hilarious that she thinks my cooking skills have progressed beyond quiche.  I immediately turned to my friend and said, “My mom bought me a cooking magazine!  It’s going to be so fun picking out new recipes for you to cook for me!”

9.  Confidential to all the single ladies:  Tomorrow’s post will feature a very eligible bachelor.  Don’t miss it!  Tell your friends!

10.  I know I hopped on the Adele bandwagon pretty late but I’m way into her.  This is my new favorite song.

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3 things

Order of business #1– A very happy birthday to one J. Fisch!  You are the most offensive person I know but I also find you to be a lovely human being.  I hope you have an excellent day.

Order of business #2– I went to the doc today for a routine check-up (and so I had a primary care doc to call when I inevitably get strep this winter) and it turns out I have the tiniest bit of high cholesterol.  The doctor assured me it wasn’t a big deal and I should just say away from “shiny” foods.  Turns out “shiny” foods are all my favorite things– salami, bacon, cheese, mayonnaise.  I’m screwed.  And also amazed I’m not really really fat.

The doctor also promised me I wasn’t dying, which tends to be a day-to-day concern of mine.  As we all know, I’m a bit of a hypochondriac in the most loveable, charming and non-dramatic sense of the term.  So no brain tumor!  Nice!

Order of business #3– Now I’m off to the dentist!  Shoot me.

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