Monthly Archives: November 2011

I’m back!

Remember when you used to blog and shit?  Yeah, I faintly recall.  I’ve been trying to dig out after the Thanksgiving holiday and recover from all the family bonding and tryptophan.  I’ve also been listening to Florence + The Machine on repeat, which I thought you’d be interested to know.

FIRST AND FOREMOST

I’d like to issue a formal apology to Bree.  I must retract ALL of the sarcasm behind this sentence:  I’m happy to report that we’re now the proud owners of $80 worth of organic, freedom-tasting, free-range turkey that was hand-fed grains, did yoga twice a day and was slaughtered with love.

Because let me tell you, homie, that organic hippie turkey was melt-in-your-mouth delicious.  Like I’ll-not-complain-about-grocery-shopping-at-Whole-Foods-next-year delicious.  All of my hats off to our Thanksgiving chef.  Don’t you worry, Bree, we’ll be back next year.  And I’d also like to mention– whoever made the brussel sprouts did a FABULOUS job.

FAMILY BONDING – GET INTO IT!

My  brothers came, they saw, they ate everything in my fridge and they departed.  It’s comforting to know that nothing ever changes with those two boys.  They sleep until noon, they touch all of your shit, attempt to steal some of your shit and then smile and nuzzle their head adorably against your shoulder until they get what they want (money, a snack, beer).

Little Timmy Tat will be graduating college in March and I’m very proud of him.  Knowing Tim’s luck, he’ll be offered a job the day he graduates making 60K a year with health care benefits and an office with a door that shuts and his pick of purebred puppy without spending one agonizing minute staring at job listings contemplating stripping or selling his eggs.

And as for19 year old Jack- the words “med school” came out of his mouth this weekend without a hint of sarcasm or irony.  Tim and I both hung our heads in shame.  Kudos, Jack, for being the smartest child.  We really appreciate you choosing a career that comes with the perk of  a prescription pad.  Thanks, pal.

BFF4EVA

Louisa is turning 25 this weekend and I correctly thought the pleasure of my company for 4 days would be the perfect gift.  And someone needs to pour the whiskey during the initial moments of her quarter life crisis.  Lou and her lovely boyfriend Nate have recently started living in sin and I’ll be their first official house guest.

Nate is my favorite of all the boyfriends because he’s already acknowledged and accepted the fact that even though he and Louisa are shacked up, the odds of him being kicked out of his own bed and sent to the guest room for the weekend are pretty good.  Because there is nothing Lou and I like more then drinking wine out of the bottle in bed after a long, hard night at the bar.  Don’t judge us– we’re still young.

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10 on Thursday – What I’m Thankful For

1.  I am thankful the stranger not wearing any pants in my house last night was Roommate R’s brother– and not someone who had broken in to kill me.

2.  I am thankful for friends who know how to cook turkeys and make stuffing and mash potatoes are kind enough to invite me, my two brothers, father and his lady friend over for Thanksgiving dinner.

3.  My little brothers.  Tim texted me last night from the airport– the chickens have reached the launch pad!  I’m thankful for those little chickens.  As much as I joke about how I would have been an excellent only child (and I would have) I love those two boys to pieces.

4.  I’m thankful for the man who invented Craig’s List.  Never did I think that moving in with a bunch of dudes off Craig’s List would turn out so well.  There are dirty dishes in the sink and sometimes it is colder inside my house than it is outside, but the boys get me things off the top shelf in the kitchen that I can’t reach and dispose of the dead mice.

5.  I’m thankful for Brynn– as she has fielded every single hysterical phone call and text message and G chat since I’ve been promoted.  I would’ve been canned long ago if she wasn’t willing to remind me that the Boss Man prefers Hilton hotels and where to find missing documents.  I’m not sure I could have done it without you.

6.  I am thankful for polar fleece sheets and sleeping with the widows open in November.  And beautiful fall afternoons spent drinking lattes and walking through Congressional Cemetery.

7.  I am thankful for the women working at the 8th Street Starbucks this morning.  Ladies, that first latte was delicious.  As was the 2nd.

8.  I was told in my performance review a couple weeks ago that I had a “very strong personality” in a manner that suggested my manager felt it was a weakness, as opposed to strength.  I couldn’t figure out if I should laugh or cry but ultimately decided “duh, have you met my mother?” would have been the most proper response.

There is nothing in this world my mother can’t do.  And she firmly believes– and tells me often– that there isn’t anything in this world I can’t do.  My mother and her many sisters taught me everything I know about what it means to a good woman and for that I am thankful.

9.  I’m thankful that my father didn’t ruin my life when he moved to Washington, DC.  I’ll admit, Old Man (who you callin’ old?!), I was unsure about how this would go down, but it it’s actually been quite nice.

10. From Tim:  I am thankful that my sister cooked me breakfast.  And that The Breakfast Club is on TV.  And that Rachel’s TV is HUGE.  (Editor’s note:  Roommate A’s TV is HUGE.)

On the real– I’ve got more people on my team than any girl has a right to and I’m thankful for each and every one.  I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving.  Back at it Monday morning.

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The Day of Thanks and Other Business

THANKSGIVING PREP

My friend Bree invited me, my 2 brothers and father over for Thanksgiving dinner this year.  This is our first non-Minnesota Thanksgiving and given we don’t have my father’s professional chef friend to do the heavy lifting, the 4 of us would probably be enjoying dinner at Boston Market if left to our own devises.

To show moral support for allowing Bree to do all the cooking for 8 people, I agreed– mostly against my will– to accompany her to Whole Foods last night.  There are a lot of things I don’t like in this world and very high on that list is grocery shopping, Whole Foods, Whole Foods when crowded, waiting in line and crowds.

I’d like to say I had a positive attidude about the shopping trip, but I 100% did not, despite the 2 beers she bribed me with prior to promote good behavior.  I had lobbied heavily for a trip to Trader Joe’s because there is something slightly more tolerable about that place, but Bree insisted on Whole Foods was completely necessary in order to purchase the most organic turkey that ever existed, as “you can taste the fear coursing through turkeys from Safeway”.

And buy organic turkey we did.  I’m happy to report that we’re now the proud owners of $80 worth of organic, freedom-tasting, free-range turkey that was hand-fed grains, did yoga twice a day and was slaughtered with love.  And we’re going to eat the shit out of it.

BRING ON THE GOOD KARMA

I found a iPhone in my cab last night on our way home from the grocery store, which was very exciting because it is IMMEDIATE good karma* to return a lost phone.  I went down the list of recent calls until I got his wife on the phone.

“Where did you find the phone?” she questioned.

Every bone in my body wanted to yell STRIP CLUB, STRIP CLUB! but answered honestly.  Once we’d organized the phone swap I did some innocent snooping.  Given the 4 different Bible apps, I can’t imagine she would have found the strip club joke amusing whatsoever.

*I will take that good karma to trip one innocent bystander in the coming week.  Most likely one of my brothers.

SPEAKING OF THE BROTHERS

Tim and Jack will be invading our fair District tomorrow evening at 10PM sharp.  They’ve finished their finals, they’ve packed up their high-tops and they’re ready to hang the fuck out in the city that sleeps.  We’re going to eat a grip of turkey, take some naps and enjoy the blissful silence of an empty town ’cause everyone left to see their mammas.

Confidential to our mamma:  We’ll miss you.  So very much.  But I’m so excited to not have to travel this weekend I could just pee my pants.

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10 on Thursday – The Friday Edition

I had to actually work yesterday.  It happens sometimes.  I can’t help it.  All the work I had to do briefly disrupted my week long G Chat with Danny Mac about all of our feelings.  I haven’t even talked to my mother as much as I’ve talked to Danny Mac this week and I talk to my mother a lot– so this post is mostly about him.  But without further ado, 10 on Thursday – Friday Edition!

1.  Yesterday was Andy B’s birthday.  He may not be wiser, but he definitely was looking fine in his new suit.  Happy belated birthday Andy B!  I’m not even hungover after your birthday celebration, which is nice.

2.  All of the Doin’ the Grown-Up bachelors were getting down last night in Chinatown.  And by all I mean two.  But aren’t they adorable?

3.  We’ll have a new Bachelor of the Week next Friday– my roommate, Andy P.  As I learned last night, Andy P makes pretty awesome green bean casserole, which was a huge win when we got home from the bar last night.  For a South Carolina boy, his casserole did a Minnesotan proud.

4.  I was making fun of Danny Mac (yet again) for living so far away from civilization a couple days ago and he felt the need to list off the finer qualities of his home.  I was patiently waiting for him to finish so I could continue my mocking when he said something that changed every!  I could give a shit about his koi pond (the grossest fish in the universe) or his shed, but he has a TREE HOUSE.  I am so jealous.

5.  I never had a tree house growing up, which is like grievance 232,938 I have against my mother.  You ruined my childhood by never building me a tree house, mom!  The tree house is the sole reason I’ve agreed to leave the safety of the District to pay Danny Mac a visit in bum fuck Egypt.

I was disappointed to hear that the tree house isn’t actually large enough to camp out in, but I do plan on sitting in the tree house and drinking beer and smoking contraband cigarettes and PRAYING my mother doesn’t find out I snuck out of the house and am hanging out with boys unsupervised.

6.  Grievance 232,939:  She never let me go to midnight movies in high school, but TOOK my brothers to a midnight movie when they were in middle school.  On a school night!  Which is such bullshit.

7.  Danny Mac is depressed he only had one birthday party as a child, so we’ll be remedying that on January 9th with a hired petting zoo and a clown.  Party hats will be mandatory.

8.  Having written that, I did some research and you can rent ponies in the DC/Maryland area for $175 an hour.  If you need more hours or more ponies, it is an additional $100 per pony per hour.  I think that is perfectly reasonable because, Danny, “riding a pony makes a small child feel TALL and a timid child BRAVE”.  I’ll even chip in the extra hundred for some bunnies.

9.  Did you know you shop for a turkey with a tape measure?  I had no idea.  That’s probably why I’m not in charge of anything Thanksgiving related except bringing the booze.  Otherwise, I’d be all like turkey meatloaf for everyone!  (Because that’s all I can cook.)

10.  Also, Danny loves the Fray.

Have a good weekend, y’all.  Check you right back here bright and early Monday morning.

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My Retirement Plan

During a very brief fit of life planning last week I decided it would be the grown-up as hell and fiscally responsible thing to open a Roth IRA account.  Because as it turns out I will one day get old!  Super strange, right?

Being that I’m surprised I can legally get into the bar and still can’t spell bureaucracy without spell check, the idea that I’ll one day be saggy and retired and adult is SHOCKING to me.  Opening a Roth IRA was probably the most foresight for life I’ve had ever.  I’m very proud of myself.  And also very confused.  Because what I really should have done with that money was buy something ridiculous like a pink Vespa or a pony.

As such, I’ve decided that if I’m going to plan for my old lady financial future like a grown-up (read: loser), I will also plan my social calendar so I have something to look forward to when I’m old and wrinkly.  My friend Gigi and I discussed thoroughly yesterday afternoon and we’ve come to the following conclusions:

  • We’ll probably outlive our significant others because women live longer than men, yo.  Once that happens we will decided which one of us has the largest digs in the best location and move all our widow friends in sorority house style.
  •  Get large and in charge.  After a long life of exercise and eating vegetables, I will ceremoniously quit all healthy things and live solely off Big Macs and lobster.  Extra side of butter please.
  • We’re going to get down because us old ladies will know how to party.  We’ll have theme nights like Tequila Thursday** and Wine Wednesday and if we don’t get the cops called on us at least once at 80 for disturbing the peace– we will have failed.
  • Employ “personal care attendants” who will just so happen to be carefully chiseled specimens of man.  And as we’ll be so old our heat will have to be on higher than their bodies are comfortable with.  So they’ll have to be shirtless a lot.

That’s all we’ve got so far…

*I only have so much control over the “this money is burning a hole in my pocket” and “a PINK Vespa!  I would look so cute on a pink Vespa!” side of my personality.

*Confidential to my mother:  We had Gigi’s 18th birthday at your house when you were out of town.  We’re sorry.  This is significant because I believe it was at that party I had my first tequila shot.  Don’t do the math.  I love you!

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Weekend Update

This post is mostly a list of my weekend activities.  Fair warning.

FRIDAY NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS

Knowing that the frat boys would be elsewhere, I decided to very intentionally spend Friday night home alone on the couch with a bottle of wine and a straw.  I added my new leggings for good measure and spent about 6 hours watching trashy television.  I decided to call it a night when I was watching the Notebook for the second time and was not even ashamed of myself.

*And refused to participate in any activity for the remainder of the weekend that called for real clothes.  Gap leggings are the bomb.

JUST CALL ME MRS.

I got domestic as hell Saturday afternoon and was actually quite impressed with myself and my dish pan hands.  I cleaned, cooked, I did laundry, I grocery shopped, I drank a bloody mary.  I even baked!  Brownies out of a box, but still damn impressive.  I not only cooked one but TWO kinds of soups and even served them to a friend for dinner– so we know for sure the soups were edible.  Martha Stewart, watch out!  I learned how to follow a recipe.

MOUNTAIN WOMAN

T Bone and I hiked the Billy Goat trial (perfect legging activity) Sunday morning and it was packed.  Like balance-on-top-of-a-pointy-rock-until-the-Boy-Scouts-pass packed.

As we were going rogue off-trail looking for a way down the rock face that didn’t involve waiting for 20 people to come up first, we passed a woman who was going up the way we were attempting to go down.

“Are we going to die that way?” I asked her.

“That depends,” she said, “are you rock climber?”

“No.  Are you?”

“Yes,” she said, while raising an eyebrow and obviously judging me for my inferior rock climbing skills.

I resisted the urge to yell “show off!” and slid down mostly on my butt.  But safely, thank you very much.

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10 on Thursday

The high and low of the week edition.  Or I’ve had a lot of a rough mornings.

LOWS

1.  I woke up to a couple inches of standing water in my basement this morning.  The hose that connects the washing machine to the wash basin/faucet exploded.  I have no idea how long it had been leaking, but enough to run us out of hot water, which sent me into the basement to check the hot water heater and then surprise!  Water everywhere!

2.  After racing upstairs to put on clothes* and wake up Roommate A, I realized I had FINALLY had an excuse to wear my super ugly navy rain boots with anchors on them besides a little bit of rain.  That would have been a high but as it turns out the right one has a hole in it, which is a huge bummer.

3.  I had to shovel water out of my basement this morning.  That is a really lame start to the day.  There was an awkward collection of mismatched socks and used dryer sheets that had to be cleaned up and small rugs that were soaking wet and weighed about 25 pounds each.  Rugs + wet basement water = grossness.

4.  That’s all pretty bad, but not as bad as yesterday morning.  Because yesterday morning I’m fairly certain I saw a dead person being pulled off a metro car.  They’d been trying to resuscitate him for about 15 minutes before removing him from the train.  Being that they were not moving with much urgency and I’ve seen a fair amount of dead people in my life– I don’t think he lived.  It was a very alarming way to start the day.

5.  I in no way pulled my weight at trivia last night.  In fact, I don’t think I contributed a single answer.  And I completely recognize that having poor trivia skills and discussing a dead person on the metro in the same post is mildly insensitive.  My thoughts go out to that gentleman’s family.

HIGHS

6.  I’m wearing my skinny jeans again, thus my butt looks fine as hell.  A guy I played rugby with in college, nicknamed the Great Dane, used to call button downs his “bitch gettin’ shirts”.  I will now call my skinny jeans my “dude gettin’ jeans”.

7.  I only had TWO e-mails this morning when I woke up and one was spam.  Confidential to my co-workers in France:  Keep up the good work.

8.  One of my bosses called yesterday to tell me super mean things like– the weather is amazing today, dinner last night was delicious, the wine spectacular.  I responded:  Oh, yeah?  Well, we’re going out for cookies!  And they are going to have sprinkles on them!  And promptly hung up the phone.  Jerk.

9.  Andy B‘s birthday is next week.  Don’t you want to take him out for a birthday drink?  Stranger danger is so in right now!

10.  Song of the week:

*One cannot perform water removal wearing only a bathrobe.  That’s not lady like.

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Tuesday

BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY ROCKIN’ EVERYWHERE

We’re rocking the casual dress this week at the office, as pretty much everyone is in Europe for our board meeting.  I was going to pick up my drycleaning last night but then was like– why would I do such a silly thing because I get to wear jeans all damn week.  It’s incredibly exciting.  And yes, I recognize it’s fairly sad that I find wearing jeans at the office to be an exciting event.

I’m usually partial to my baggy ripped boyfriend jeans (I know, cockblockin’ myself) but during a fit of inspiration last year bought a pair of well fitting skinny jeans that I pulled out of my closet this AM.  Being that I prefer all my clothes to be falling off my body, I was shocked and surprised about  how damn good my booty looked when I was wearing jeans that actually fit me.

SO LONG SUCKERS

Being that my co-workers are all in a time zone 6 hours ahead, we wake up to 146 million e-mails but we’re all left alone around lunch time after they’ve moved from meetings to cocktailing.  While I would very much like to be enjoying a glass of wine and delicious food at this very moment, wearing jeans to an empty office comes in as a close 2nd choice.  Can you hear that people?!  It’s silence.

SHOULDERS DOWN!

I weighed my options last night– pilates vs. sitting on the couch with a tub of pumpkin ice cream– and went with the exercise like a good girl.  The instructor had noticed my recent absence and I had to explain that drinking beer and eating deep fried food had been my preferred hobby as of late.

After class she came up to me to discuss how I was incapable of relaxing my shoulders and I just laughed– tell me something I don’t know, you incredibly fit and zen lady.  I would like my shoulders to be as close to my ears at all times, thank you very much.  It’s how I confirm that I am super stressed out and overwhelmed and alive.  So there.

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Weekend Update

SCOTTIE 2 HOTTIE*

My friend Scott (used to live in DC but has since relocated to Bloomington-Normal, IL) rolled into town this weekend almost completely unannounced.  We all received text messages Thursday afternoon saying– I’ll be in DC this weekend!  To which we all responded– Great!  Thanks for ALL the notice.  He kept claiming it was a super “last minute” trip which I declare to be bullshit, as he purchased the plane ticket a couple weeks prior.

Scott and I worked together at my first job in DC.  It was an awkward business model that I’ll explain at a much later date but one that called for my co-workers and I to spend about 60 hours a week together for 6 months straight.  We slept in hotel rooms together, worked until we were delirious and completely irrational human beings and over the course of that 6 months– became very close.  Which was good considering we spent entirely too much time together.

Scott was the very first friend I made not only at that job, but in DC.  The two of us spent a lot of time drinking at Union Pub, dancing to MGMT, chain smoke cigarettes in his tiny kitchen and then wake up innocently spooning (and dressed I might add) in his single bed.  When he rolls into town, we try to recreate as much of that as possible now that we are both non-smokers and his girlfriend was traveling with him.  Which means we just drank a lot.

*No one actually calls him that, for the record.

THEY ALWAYS LEAVE YOU

Scott is an example of one of the things that I hate about living in Washington, DC.  People always leave you.  I think I’ve burned through like 145 different groups of friends since I moved here almost 3 years ago and not because people don’t want to be my friend (because I’m AWESOME) but because those bitches keep moving on me– grad school, law school, better job, administration changes etc.

Needless to say, if you’re going to live in DC, you best get used to making new friends often and fast because this isn’t a place in which people are like–  YES!  I would love to spend half a million dollars on a tiny house in a moderately dangerous neighborhood and then have to pay 15K for my kid to play with blocks in private preschool because the DC Public Schools are so bad.  No, they’re like– let’s move to Reston!  Or Milwaukee!  Or Bloomington-Normal!

RECAP

So yes, my weekend was lovely.  Old friends and I bonded like mother fuckers, I ate 2 cheeseburgers in the course of 6 hours (which was mildly concerning the next morning, so I ate some vegetables), drank oyster shooters (which are disgusting) and did a lot of laundry.

I spent yesterday curled up on the couch with coffee and vegetables and watched Love and Other Drugs.  It’s a very good movie, as it is 100% enjoyable seeing Jake Gyllenhaal half naked.  Although I must admit I was concerned about seeing Anne Hathaway half naked because she was a PRINCESS.  Seriously girl, what would Julie Andrews say?  Hard to take a former princess seriously with no top on.  Think about it.

 

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10 on Thursday

1.  Elvis has left the building!  And by Elvis I mean my boss.  He is gone for 13 whole days, which means my productively will immediately increase now that I can resume blasting Nate Dogg at top volume.

2.  Speaking of Elvis– if my pig roast wedding at a funeral home doesn’t pan out, I wouldn’t be opposed to gettin’ hitched by Elvis in Vegas.

3.  I’ve had this song stuck in my head for days.

4.  Nat and I have happy hour plans tonight and I’m incredibly excited.  She is this excited:

5.  I read this article this morning and thought HELL YES I don’t have to go to Minnesota for Thanksgiving.  Not that I don’t love Minnesota, or Thanksgiving, but being that my father relocated to DC and my bro are coming to us, I will be shoveling turkey into my mouth from the safety of my own neighborhood.  If someone asked me to pick eating PB & J for Thanksgiving dinner or flying to Minnesota for Thanksgiving, I would take the sandwich.  I’m that excited to keep my ass put.

6.  There are only going to be about 4 of us in the office most of next week and due to many recent hires, another 24 year old and I technically have seniority, as we started on the same day almost 2 years ago (2 years, HOLY SHIT!).  We’re in charge!  Which means we’ll wearing jeans and watching Footloose for most of the week.  Kidding.  Maybe.

7.  Hahahaha.

8.   I’ve ran into the Kiwi I went on a couple dates with last year 3 times in the last month on K Street.  Every time I see him I first panic, then put my head down and start walking faster.  I highly doubt he’d recognize me, but still– this town is too damn small.

9.  A g chat from Roommate B:  I’m not home tonight and Roommate A is in Canada, so I suggest you plan a night full of naked cartwheels and Sex and the City if you know whats good for you.  DONE.

10.  I am off to trick people into giving me contact information they shouldn’t and then blowing this popsicle stand.  Confidential to Nat:  I’ll be the girl in the black dress with a pitcher of Bud Light and 2 straws in exactly 1 hour and 6 minutes.

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