My Retirement Plan

During a very brief fit of life planning last week I decided it would be the grown-up as hell and fiscally responsible thing to open a Roth IRA account.  Because as it turns out I will one day get old!  Super strange, right?

Being that I’m surprised I can legally get into the bar and still can’t spell bureaucracy without spell check, the idea that I’ll one day be saggy and retired and adult is SHOCKING to me.  Opening a Roth IRA was probably the most foresight for life I’ve had ever.  I’m very proud of myself.  And also very confused.  Because what I really should have done with that money was buy something ridiculous like a pink Vespa or a pony.

As such, I’ve decided that if I’m going to plan for my old lady financial future like a grown-up (read: loser), I will also plan my social calendar so I have something to look forward to when I’m old and wrinkly.  My friend Gigi and I discussed thoroughly yesterday afternoon and we’ve come to the following conclusions:

  • We’ll probably outlive our significant others because women live longer than men, yo.  Once that happens we will decided which one of us has the largest digs in the best location and move all our widow friends in sorority house style.
  •  Get large and in charge.  After a long life of exercise and eating vegetables, I will ceremoniously quit all healthy things and live solely off Big Macs and lobster.  Extra side of butter please.
  • We’re going to get down because us old ladies will know how to party.  We’ll have theme nights like Tequila Thursday** and Wine Wednesday and if we don’t get the cops called on us at least once at 80 for disturbing the peace– we will have failed.
  • Employ “personal care attendants” who will just so happen to be carefully chiseled specimens of man.  And as we’ll be so old our heat will have to be on higher than their bodies are comfortable with.  So they’ll have to be shirtless a lot.

That’s all we’ve got so far…

*I only have so much control over the “this money is burning a hole in my pocket” and “a PINK Vespa!  I would look so cute on a pink Vespa!” side of my personality.

*Confidential to my mother:  We had Gigi’s 18th birthday at your house when you were out of town.  We’re sorry.  This is significant because I believe it was at that party I had my first tequila shot.  Don’t do the math.  I love you!

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1 Comment

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One response to “My Retirement Plan

  1. Is it bad that I can’t wait for this?

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