The Day of Thanks and Other Business


My friend Bree invited me, my 2 brothers and father over for Thanksgiving dinner this year.  This is our first non-Minnesota Thanksgiving and given we don’t have my father’s professional chef friend to do the heavy lifting, the 4 of us would probably be enjoying dinner at Boston Market if left to our own devises.

To show moral support for allowing Bree to do all the cooking for 8 people, I agreed– mostly against my will– to accompany her to Whole Foods last night.  There are a lot of things I don’t like in this world and very high on that list is grocery shopping, Whole Foods, Whole Foods when crowded, waiting in line and crowds.

I’d like to say I had a positive attidude about the shopping trip, but I 100% did not, despite the 2 beers she bribed me with prior to promote good behavior.  I had lobbied heavily for a trip to Trader Joe’s because there is something slightly more tolerable about that place, but Bree insisted on Whole Foods was completely necessary in order to purchase the most organic turkey that ever existed, as “you can taste the fear coursing through turkeys from Safeway”.

And buy organic turkey we did.  I’m happy to report that we’re now the proud owners of $80 worth of organic, freedom-tasting, free-range turkey that was hand-fed grains, did yoga twice a day and was slaughtered with love.  And we’re going to eat the shit out of it.


I found a iPhone in my cab last night on our way home from the grocery store, which was very exciting because it is IMMEDIATE good karma* to return a lost phone.  I went down the list of recent calls until I got his wife on the phone.

“Where did you find the phone?” she questioned.

Every bone in my body wanted to yell STRIP CLUB, STRIP CLUB! but answered honestly.  Once we’d organized the phone swap I did some innocent snooping.  Given the 4 different Bible apps, I can’t imagine she would have found the strip club joke amusing whatsoever.

*I will take that good karma to trip one innocent bystander in the coming week.  Most likely one of my brothers.


Tim and Jack will be invading our fair District tomorrow evening at 10PM sharp.  They’ve finished their finals, they’ve packed up their high-tops and they’re ready to hang the fuck out in the city that sleeps.  We’re going to eat a grip of turkey, take some naps and enjoy the blissful silence of an empty town ’cause everyone left to see their mammas.

Confidential to our mamma:  We’ll miss you.  So very much.  But I’m so excited to not have to travel this weekend I could just pee my pants.


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