Monthly Archives: December 2011

5 on Monday – the 4 Days Late and a Dollar Short Edition

Shit got real at the office on Thursday and I was working right up until the bitter end on Friday afternoon, which was why this is being posted many days later.  I’m currently sitting in my mother’s kitchen enjoying a glass of wine and there is no place in this world I’d rather be.

From last week:

1.  4 more hours and I’m off for TEN DAYS!  I’m so excited I’m just about ready to pee my pants.  I’ve been pretty checked out for most of the week, so when the boss man had a long list of things for me to do yesterday [Thursday], I almost went into shock.  So close to vacation!  Why are you making me work, man?!

2.  This is awesome.  Way to go, Minnesota.  The fact that a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage will be on the ballot next year in my dear home state makes me want to go TP the homes of Republican leadership.

3.  I have one episode left in season 4 of Sons of Anarchy and I have very mixed emotions.  While I’m really rooting for Jax to leave Charming and the Sons for the sake of his fam-III-ly (that is how the Brit turned motorcycle thug pronounces that word), I don’t know what I’m going to do if I can’t stare at his pretty face anymore.

4.  Turns out everyone else in DC had the same idea as me– wait until the last possible minute to Christmas shop.  I took one look at the line 25 people deep at the Barnes and Nobles check out last night and went home to order my mother’s gift online.  She loves me enough to know that waiting in such a line would make me INCREDIBLY unhappy and willing to wait 3 -6 business days for her gift.  At least I think she does.

5.  I strolled through Occupy DC yesterday afternoon.  This dude was huffing.

And these kids were launching cell phones from their newly built rocket launcher.  Dudes– you are making our generation look GOOD.

I’ll be very busy wedding dress shopping with Gigi the next few days, but I’ll give y’all the Christmas update at some point.  Hope you all had a wonderful holiday.


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Weekend Update

I was working!  I’m sorry!


The boss man had 12 performance reviews, 2 outside meetings, a conference call and lunch to attend to Friday.  I had him scheduled literally from one minute to the next.  I wasn’t sure when we were going to pencil in bathroom breaks.  This was for the whole enchilada.  Shit was going to get real.

I had prepped the rest of the staff the entire week with specific instructions– long winded people were told to be brief, tardy people were instructed to be on time, this-is-never-going-to-happen haters to step off.  I was in charge.  I was the boss of the office.  I was going to make shit happen.

And then first meeting didn’t even start on time.  I spent about 5 minutes really caring about my already fucked scheduled, poured myself another cup of coffee and opted for the win some – lose some attitude towards the day.  I’m happy to report that even though the meetings went off with many many hitches, they all got done.  And only 3 hours behind schedule.

While I contemplated losing my shit more times* then I’d like to admit, Bree patted me on the head throughout the day and rewarded my good behavior with a espresso vodka spiked latte at 5:30PM.  I had my review (and got a raise!), got dressed in my office (having time to run home before the black tie dinner – HA), put on some lipstick and got my 7th wind.

And I’ll remind you, we looked good.  Just as wearing a suit makes me feel like I’m playing dress up in my mother’s clothes, black tie affairs make me want to yell at the room full of grown-ups wearing tuxedos and ball gowns – TRICKED YOU!  I still eat Ramen noodles for dinner and call my mother “mommy” in public.  I’m not an adult!

Instead I smile, network, shake hands and make every effort to think before I speak– that is until I decide it’s a good idea to tell my CEO’s wife she’s a babe.  But I’m fairly certain she appreciated that overstep.


One of my oldest friends Kagan showed up in DC Saturday afternoon.  We’ve known each other since the 1st grade, or as we like to describe to people after many cocktails– we’ve known each other since we were both very ugly**.

Once we started drinking, Kagan and Roommate B feel into a magical bromance and spent the rest of the evening starting sentences with ” I know we’ve only known each other for 5 hours but…”.  It was adorable.


I ate the best omelet of all time– mashed potatoes, bacon, cheddar cheese and sour cream.  Go to Tunnicliff’s in Eastern Market IMMEDIATELY if you have never eaten the breakfast food straight from the heavens.

*I had been wide awake staring at the ceiling since 2AM.

**He had a rat tail.  I had very short hair that often got me mistaken for a boy– I wouldn’t let anyone brush it so they chopped it off.

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Damn, we look cute!

Obviously I had the finest looking date in the joint Friday night– an excellent conversationalist as well.  I plan on forgiving her for the lack of corsage sometime in 2012.

I cleaned up pretty well myself– although was looking pretty shiny towards the end of the night.  And wine stains had replaced my lipstick.  Full posting tomorrow.  Hope y’all had a dope weekend!

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10 on Thursday

1.  T – 1 day before I have to put on the big girl heels and my freshly dry cleaned cocktail dress and run around town acting like a grown-up.  Every time I put on a suit or roll up to a formal event I can’t help thinking that I’m not old enough for this shit.

2.  Tis the season for candy!  This time of year holiday gifts from other companies we work with are shipped by the dozens.  I think I’ve been living on fudge for days.  It’s a wonder my pants still fit.

3.  My mom, brothers and I went to New Orleans last year over Christmas for a family vacation (and this happened).  The first night we were in town, my brothers ditched us for Bourbon Street and my mom and I met up with Bree– who was also in town with her family.

As we walked into the second jazz club of the night, my mother was pulled onto the dance floor by someone my age who freak danced her in a way that only an intoxicated 20-something with an appreciation for a momma as awesome as my own could.  Bree ran to the bathroom, “Rachel!  I lost your mom!  I think she is grinding on the dance floor with a 25 year old.”

I was telling this story last week to our new staff assistant during a conversation about New Orleans.  The VP I report to walked in at the exact moment I said “grinding”.  Good lord, why couldn’t I of said dancing?

4.  Our office is going to volunteer today to get in the Christmas spirit.  Whatever it is we are doing has now been streamlined to “cutting onions”.  I couldn’t tell you where we are going, or which charity we are supporting, just that we all assume onions and knives will be involved.  Keep you posted.

5.  Because of our charitable afternoon, we were all instructed to roll into the office in jeans today.  Dressing casually for the office is much more difficult than wearing professional clothes.  Because for me casual (Louisa, you should probably skip this part) usually means my boyfriend jeans with a couple of holes in them and a t-shirt or sweater depending on the season.

Knowing that wouldn’t have gone over well, I wrestled into my skinny jeans (as expected, my butt looks fine as hell), shirt and cowboy boots for good measure.  I think I look presentable, but that is mostly because there are no visible holes in my clothing– although my shirt is definitely not ironed.  And I’m not sorry.  And that right there is why a casual office would stress me the fuck out.

6.  My cousin Max graduated college yesterday!!!  I want to say we never thought it’d happen but I’m not going to because I’m so damn proud.  Look at that fine bachelor of arts havin’ young man.

7.  Unintentionally inappropriate test answers from kids still cracks me up every time.  This is my favorite:

8.  I know Texts From Last Night is so two years ago but I’ve been kind of bored lately.  I want to be friends with this human:


you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said “now bow your heads in prayer” as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.

9.  Someone please buy me this.  I think it would really improve my dating life.

10.  I spent some quality time with VH1’s 100 Best Hip Hop Songs of All Time this week– therefore our song of the week is another oldie but goodie.


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What Christmas is like at my house–

I am fully aware that one’s holiday plans are in no way a contest but if it did happen to be a contest, I think I’d win.  Because have you ever celebrated Christmas at a funeral home?

The players:

My mother has 11 siblings.  Those siblings got married and had babies.  And then those babies grew up and got spouses of their own and also had babies.  From my grandfather down to the youngest great-grandchild there are roughly 100 of us and of that 100, about half show up for Christmas Eve.  Along with anyone else we find that might need a place to go for Christmas– because if you’re already feeding fifty people, what’s 52?

The location:

My grandfather lives above his funeral home in northern Minnesota.  When I say to new friends– I’m going to the funeral home to visit grandpa– I usually followed up with a quick clarification that my grandfather is still alive.  It’s a good conversation starter.  And an easy way to freak people out.

The food:

Buffet style– all great Minnesota things like wild rice and cheesy potatoes and pork tenderloin.  There are also grocery bags full of breadsticks made by my auntie Angel that I look forward to mostly all year.  And I eat about 20 of them.

My grandmother always ordered birthday cakes for Baby Jesus– those delicious sheet cakes that are mostly frosting.  For some reason it is one of my most favorite Christmas traditions, mostly because I think it’s so funny.

The tradition:

We spend a lot of time singing Christmas carols.  The younger kids are way into it because they know that once we exhaust every single Christmas song we know, they get to open gifts.  The great-grandchildren usually perform standing on the coffee table (often their best rendition of “Twinkle Twinkle” or the “ABC’s”), my mother wears the official ugly Christmas jacket and then we finish with the grand finale of “The 12 Days of Christmas”.  We almost always get some of the words wrong.

I’d like to make a joke about waking the dead with our bad singing voices, but that might be crass given our location. But truly, we were not blessed in that regard.

The other stuff:

The younger kids run loops in a pack around the house playing with their new toys, Papa turns off his hearing aids because we’re all being too loud, the older kids sneak out front to smoke cigarettes and sometimes we go check out the casket room for good measure.

Roll that all together and you’ve got my official family Christmas.  It’s bonkers but I also wouldn’t miss it for the world.  It seems to be a good litmus test for potential spouses as well– would you like to come to Christmas at a funeral home with 50 of my closet relatives?  No?  Then this probably isn’t going to work out.

I’ve been searching Facebook for hours (well, minutes) and this was all I could find– my mother to your right in the one and only ugly Christmas jacket while little Maija and Shea rock their Christmas coffee table performance.


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Question of the day

I’ll do the weekend update tomorrow because this is more important.  As I think I’ve mentioned, I have to go to a super fancy black tie dinner for work on Friday– something that I mostly forget about on a daily basis (do you know it’s December?!) until I’m reminded that I have to learn how to walk in my fancy girl high heels (making one big toe numb at this very moment) and have my dress dry cleaned.

I very kindly asked Brynn to be my date because she loves that type of shit and we all know I don’t have a boyfriend– real or imaginary– at this point.  Now Brynn and I have had MANY discussions about how nice a corsage would really bring my outfit together, yet she refuses to bring me one.  I think this is complete and total bullshit.  And I think you should agree with me.  Maybe hard numbers will change her mind.  Vote early, vote often!


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TGIF, y’all

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10 on Thursday

1.  I am breaking in my new high heels for our fancy black tie dinner next week.  My toes have gone numb on and off throughout the day, but as they say– it’s better to look good than feel good.  And these shoes are pretty hot.

2.  My friend and I went to a kickboxing class last night– as it turns out, I very much enjoy punching things.  More so, I enjoy the incredibly attractive man that teaches the class.

3.  The secret to boxing– so I’m told by the beautiful man that instructs me– is being “like a turtle” in order to protect your head.  Finally a sport that appreciates my shoulders constant location next to my ears and bad posture.  Take that, pilates!

4.  Spano is engaged!  2012 has official become the year of weddings.

5.  There are currently 2 of us at the office.  We’re not sure where everyone has gone, nor are we sure that we care.  Once again I am officially in charge.

6.  I was a super nice person (read: suck up) and sent out holiday cards to all the other assistants that I work with.  Feeling in the holiday spirit, I just kept sending them to my friends in the industry.  A select few also got a print out of this picture circa 2009.

7.  I look absolutely RIDICULOUS– but that was the point.  I get on Facebook yesterday to find that my friend appreciated my Christmas card so much that she deemed it “artwork” for her new office, so now I am looking ridiculous all over this damn city.

8.  Nat and I will be having a “Christmas-party-for-two brouhaha” this evening on the Hill, which roughly means we’ll be sharing pitchers of Bud Light and an entree of chicken tenders to get in the holiday spirit.  I can’t imagine a better way to really get into Christmas giving by allowing a Republican the pleasure of my company.  Just kidding.

9.  I can only think of 8 somewhat interesting things to tell you.  I have to go back to work.

10.  But first- the song of the week!


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Chi-Town Round-Up

Y’all, 6AM flights are the worst.  4:15AM wake up call, 4:40AM cab, 6AM flight delayed just enough to miss the morning staff meeting at the office– OK, I could have made the tail end of it, but Starbucks was obviously more important.  My sole goal for Monday was keeping my eyes open, my sole goal for Tuesday doing everything I should have done Monday and now that it is Wednesday, I will tell you about my weekend.


My friends have all moved out of the neighborhoods that we once lived and stomped in, so the majority of my quality time with Barrington after he picked me up at the airport was him trying to give me directions.  Most of which I promptly forgot the second he stopped talking.  Louisa and I met up after she got off work around 11, firmly strapped on our drinking shoes, hit the town and bonded like mother fuckers.

At 2AM I was incredibly proud of myself that I was still awake.  At 3AM, I started patting myself on the back every half hour for not being a complete and total loser.  At 4AM, I insisted we go back to her place to “open her birthday presents”– in actuality, I feared I would hit my wall and desperately need to be horizontal and in my PJs within a matter of minutes.  By 5AM, we had opened our second beer at home.  At 6AM Central Standard Time I had been awake for 24 hours and was so proud of myself for digging deep and being a cool kid.  And then passed out.


We woke up around noon, ate 100 tacos and then went shopping.  Naps on the couch followed shopping in preparation for another night on the town .  At 9PM– we were still on the couch in our sweats, ordering pizza and watching Hook.  Shit, Lou, maybe we are getting old.


Saturday we made the best quiche of all time– brussels sprouts, bacon and an entire block of cheese, with many many bloody marys on the side.  I walked over to hang out with Barrington around 4PM, knocked on the door, announced I was drunk, insisted on talking about how great my butt looked in my new jeans and then fell asleep on the couch.

Later that night while preparing for our fancy birthday dinner, Louisa and I danced to Spice Girls like nobody’s business.  I can only assume this moderately annoyed her boyfriend.  Nate– I must say, you are a scholar and a gentleman (and have a very high tolerance for shenanigans) for putting up with the two of us for 4 days.  You are for sure a keeper.


I ate some Thai food with my cousins, ate some burgers with Barrington and then attempted to locate all of my belongings that at this point spanned the length of Lou and Nate’s apartment.  See, mom?  I don’t just do that at your house.  I leave my shit in everyone’s dining room.  Including my own.


All and all, a wonderful weekend in Chicago, but save for our 6AM morning, one of the tamest we’ve had.  Not once was I so hungover I wanted to die and  I made it back to DC with all my belongings and without any new tattoos.  I’d call the weekend a success.

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Who wants to date Brynn?

Gentleman, I’d like to formally introduce to you to my former co-worker and friend, Miss Brynn.  Recently single and always awesome– Brynn could be the woman of your dreams.

Brynn’s likes:  The Packers (DISGUSTING), the Footloose station on Pandora, her 3 younger brothers, cooking super awesome Midwest things like taco scoop, the entire state of Wisconsin, her family’s lake house (I’ve been there– it is pretty great), Jimmy Johns, her friends and family, me (obviously) and dancing to name just a few.

Dislikes:  Boys that are shorter than she is (she’s 5’8″ without the heels), the Vikings (HATER), people that don’t appreciate the awesomeness that is Wisconsin, smokers (at least kissing them).

About you:  Brynn has requested that you be very tall, handsome and interested on taking her out on a holiday themed date.  Also gainfully employed, funny, good conversationalist, a little faith in something and a sense of adventure.  And more importantly– please be prepared for her to dominate you in Words With Friends.

If you’d like to date Brynn, shoot me an e-mail at  Be warned– there is a rigorous screening process for this girl.  I need her to keep answering my frantic WTF?! e-mails about my job responsibilities, so I have to make sure y’all are going to act right.



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