10 on Thursday is postponed a day so I can regale you with my tales of bipartisan speed dating. My co-worker Kate signed us up last week after our good judgment was impaired by a couple glasses of wine after a work happy hour. She was less than thrilled yesterday afternoon that we were actually following through with it. I was super excited for what I could only imagine to be an extra awkward time.
Kate and I walked from our office to the bar in a marginal attempt at exercising before our dinner of beer and a handful of french fries. We were instructed to show up at 6:30PM sharp and in a feat of all feats, managed to make it there on time. As I handed my ID to the bouncer, I asked him where the speed dating shenanigans were to take place, with apparently a scowl on my face.
“That seems to be everyone’s feelings towards speed dating tonight,” he said. “Not excited.”
“Allow me to rephrase,” I replied, “please direct me towards the location in which I will meet the man of my dreams.”
Natalie was also there and I must digress a moment to tell you that hater is moving back to Nebraska next week. Bad for me, but potentially good for you, as I’m on the market for a new Republican confidant! Anyone? Anyone?
While I am truly happy for her and know this move is aces for her career, I’m going to keep up the facade that she is dead to me for at least 2 weeks after her departure. And then force her to read many many long emails about my feelings until she gets fed up and moves back to DC. Fool proof plan.
But back to the speed dating. I was a couple beers in by the time we were seated and after sizing up the crop of men, was fairly certain that no one was going to steal my heart. Or get me to take my clothes off for that matter– so I just decided to role with it. These are the things I learned while speed dating:
- There is a high school program called Scared Straight in which high school students are taken to a prison to straight kick with prisoners. They are allowed to try on the orange jumpsuits, lectured on the error of stealing, drugs and breaking the law and then have lunch with the inmates. I had no idea this was a thing and quite frankly, I’m very upset I never got to participate.
- Not talking about your political affiliations or where you work (which was a speed dating rule) is oddly satisfying.
- Everyone who signed up for speed dating just moved to DC– which leads me to believe that they’re speed dating because they have no friends. Except for the 50+ year old man from Baltimore. But he was just a pleasure to converse with.
- A Kentucky native told me about the town Former Roommate C is getting married in– there is nothing to do but drink bourbon and look at pretty scenery. I asked him why he thought that was a bad thing.
- 3 minutes is the length that all first dates should be. Just enough time to size them up.
- Calling your speed dating partners “bro” and high fiving them at the end of the date is a great way to get your point across– let’s be friends.
- One should not drink many many 312s and end the night with a shot of Jack Daniels on an empty stomach.
- Touching one of my bartender friend’s hair was JUST as satisfying as I thought it would be. He’s got this great Dennis the Menace comb over thing going for him.
- Speed dating is actually really fun when you have zero expectations and a slight buzz. It sucks a little bit less than online dating (well, everything sucks less than online dating) and was actually a very enjoyable experience. Although I’m pretty sure if I actually took it seriously, the whole thing would have been not awesome.