How many dating apps is excessive? Because I have four – OK Cupid, Match.com, Tinder (like hot or not) and Hinge (a less stranger danger version of Tinder). I’ve been on a lot of dates these days, guys – like a lot a lot. We’ve done this dating history thing before and it was equally as painful to recollect, yo. Dating is the worst.
I’ve started to view it as a numbers game, as per my friend Bree. You scratch off enough lotto tickets you eventually win, right? RIGHT? But whatever, if all else fails I have three more seasons of The Good Wife to keep me company.
Some highlights. Or lowlights, if we’re all being honest here:
- I met a guy at a Halloween party, he was dressed as a pirate and it was so soon after J$ and I broke up that I didn’t realize he was flirting with me until after he’d offered to walk me home (safety first!), kissed me on my front porch and asked me out for a drink. I say this in the gentlest way possible – he was more attractive dressed up as a pirate, long curly wig, hoop earring and all. He also told me he was “kind of a big deal” at ultimate frisbee, which was just alarmingly unattractive. He was a nice guy though!
- I had drinks with a Canadian who grew up 14 hours North of Vancouver in bum fuck nowhere Canada. He was the runt of the family at 6’2″ and one of five siblings, 4 boys and 1 girl. The girl, the eldest of the family, got so pissed at one of the other brothers once she stabbed him in the thigh with a butter knife and family board games often broke out into fist fights. Seemed like fun, but alas, my deeply rooted and completely unexplainable disinterest in all things Canada won out (read: we did not go out again).
- The same day I had drinks with the Canadian, I met with this dude that I’d been messaging on and off for a month. We spent exactly 40 minutes together and it was boring as shit. I found out he worked for the same company as T-Bone during our date and had her ask around out of curiosity. “He is hated my co-worker said,” she texted me back. “An egotistical douche who constantly looks down her shirt.” That’s what we call dodging a bullet, ladies and gents.
- Three dates with a guy who checked all the boxes – good job! Educated! Lived by himself! Tall! It was like having a conversation with my cousin.
- I got slightly day drunk with this guy B who worked for a company I interviewed with a couple of years ago. His ex-girlfriend was actually the one that sent me the Dear John email after they offered the position to someone else. In everyone’s defense here, I would’ve hated hated working at this place, but I still wanted to reject them, not have them reject me. B and I ultimately decided we weren’t destined to be soulmates and I sent him up with another one of my girlfriends. They aren’t in love yet either, but fingers crossed.
- I had a date last night with some guy off Tinder. He seemed mostly cute, but it wasn’t very clear based on his pictures. As I walking home from work on Monday, I passed a dude taking out the trash that looked just like said Tinder date– leaning towards not-so-cute in real life with a desperate need to invest in ankle socks. There is no way the world is that small, I thought, and kept walking. THE WORLD IS THAT SMALL.
That’s all I can remember at this juncture. Seriously, where my Jewish mothers at? In other news, I’m having an excellent hair day.