Because I FINALLY wrote my meeting minutes from a meeting 31 days ago after reading exactly everything on the internet. Which is an extremely long time to avoid writing meeting minutes because seriously…what was that meeting about again? I don’t remember either. And it doesn’t help that my notes are absolute nonsense. I’m good like that.
1. I’m wearing this dress. And I look fantastic. My dad always says “self praise is no recommendation,” but he clearly has never worn such a comfortable, stylish and well-fitting dress. With pockets! I actually presume my father has never worn a dress, but that’s not here nor there.
2. Today is Kate’s birthday! Happy birthday, Kate! I sent her this video this morning and she was very confused. It’s just bootleg footage of the best birthday song of all time from the very best kids show of all time – Back in the Barnyard. The things you learn as a college nanny just keep on giving and giving.
3. I’m still online dating, which is more or less the worst. I went on a date with a lawyer last weekend who used the term “turtle dick” on our first date (not about himself, mind you, about his female friend’s ex-boyfriend). My mother made a new rule after I told her that story – thou must never go on a second date with a gentleman who used the term “turtle dick” on the first date. And my mother’s the boss of me. Even at almost 27 years old.
4. Also some advice for you men out there online dating: “Ur” is not how you spell “your.” Don’t tell me you enjoy writing sensual poetry. Don’t be sexually suggestive. You probably would think this is common knowledge – and I did too until I got a message from a gentleman asking if he could “cum on my tits.” The answer to that question was 100% no you may not, sir.
5. My very best friend for the rest of my days Lou was in town last week. I took two days off work (the first vacation days I’ve taken so far this year – look at me being such a dedicated employee!) and we gallivanted around town. At the risk of being disgustingly sentimental, there is something just wonderful about someone you’ve known for the majority of your formative years – someone who can inherently read between the lines, knows you front and back, and will still like you in the morning despite that fact that you forcibly shoved her in the shower at 3am because you ain’t getting into my bed with feet smelling like that. (I’m not going to point fingers here, but my feet smell just fine.)
6. I spent the majority of yesterday morning looking at graduate school programs. And then the remainder of the day wanting to throw up. I got real brave around 10am and finally looked up my GRE test scores from about two years ago. I didn’t study at all and have the worst test anxiety of all time and what’s with this computer shit – if they could just let me take the test with on paper with a pencil I’d probably be OK. Turns out my test scores are not nearly as bad as I initially thought. Either that or I have no idea what the numbers mean. Either way, I’m going to start by thinking really really hard about a masters degree for the next couple of weeks and then maybe progress to thinking really really hard about applying for the spring term. And that’s all I’m committing to at this juncture.
7. If you need an amusing blog to read, this is probably my favorite child I-don’t-know-and-will-never-know-in-real-life of all time.
And speaking of children, I was sitting on my friend Liza’s porch Monday night (recently married!) and her two year old neighbor swung by for a little chat. “Show Rachel your ballet skills,” Liza told the little one.
“Ballet! Ballet! Ballet!” she said over and over while dancing and skipping in a circle. Probably the best dance moves of all time. If only that worked in real life – like if only I could dance around a sheet of white paper and holler “Press release! Press release! Press release!” and that shit would just happen. As opposed to thinking of ONE OTHER WAY to say that fill-in-the-blank sucks or we’re lauding the hell out of so-and-so.
8. My youngest brother Jack is graduating college this week. Oh, holy shit. I can’t believe that I’m an adult, let alone that he’s an adult. He can drink in the bar and has big muscles and can read now and everything. He majored in biology which effectively makes him the smartest child in our family as I barely passed womens bio in college and all we did was talk about our feelings. I’m very proud of you, kiddo.
9. And in other news, Bree’s birthday is Monday. So let’s wish her a happy birthday, too! I’m going to be in NYC next week for work (can you say dinner boat cruise around the Statue of Liberty?) but I’ll think again about posting sometime before summer is over.
10. And I’ve had this song stuck in my head for no less than 10 days, so let’s make it the song of the…how long it’s been since I lasted posted a 10 on Thursday.
And mind the errors – my ability to edit dissolved around the second press release about policy you don’t care about yesterday afternoon.