THE TERRIBLE TWOS
I brought J$ home to the cabin this weekend and luckily the embarrassing Rachel stories* were minimal, although stories were told. Such as:
When I was two years old, my mom hired our sweet elderly neighbor Julie’s son-in-law to paint the house. Terry had long hair and tattoos and a motorcycle. And a prison record, if I remember correctly. I took it upon myself to “assist” Terry in his painting duties by constantly being underfoot and attempting to shimmy myself up his ladder every time his back was turned. He finally dumped me in a pile of clean drop cloths and told me if I wanted to help, I could sit and talk to him.
I looked at Terry very seriously from my perch and asked, “are you a girl?”
“No,” he said. “Did you think that because I have long hair?”
“No,” I responded.
Good thing I looked like this–
*Including, but not limited to: Rachel as surly teengaer, Rachel as a sassy 2 year old, Rachel as a somewhat bossy older sister.
LIONS AND TIGERS AND BEARS, OH MY
I discovered a rather large pile of shit under my mom’s bedroom window at the cabin Friday afternoon. Given it’s close proximity to where we live and eat and sleep, I waved over my mother and J$ for further inspection. We quickly ruled out dog shit (too small), horse shit (no horses) and then googled bear scat. A quick comparison and it was confirmed that a brown bear had indeed been tramping around the property.
“Oh,” my mother said, “I did hear lots of heavy breathing the other night.”
Right, good thing it was just a little bear. And not a serial killer. Safety first, mom.
1. Agree to plan bachelorette party for friend. Decide on weekend that best works for you and bride’s schedule. Buy $400 airline ticket home before anyone else can provide input and forces you into scheduling conflict hell.
2. Figure out how to plan a bachelorette party.
3. Send out mass e-mail to 10+ girls you don’t actually know inviting them to your mother’s cabin in Northern Minnesota. Promise them a fun-filled weekend complete with a paddle boat and sauna and girl talk and penis straws.
4. Make bad ass spreadsheet of all invitees personal information, current location and whether or not they’ll be attending. Mostly because you’ve been up since 6AM and have drank SO MUCH coffee. Also to impress bride so she doesn’t get nervous that her last hurrah as a single woman will involve bingo night and wine coolers.
5. Buy penis straws.
6. Make grocery list and booze list (the booze list being most important). Buy booze whole sale. Think you bought too much. Think you don’t have enough. Drink all the wine purchased on the first night and sample all the liquor varieties in this world the following night. Cue really fucking terrible hangover*.
And then nap like this:
7. Purchase life-sized cut out of groom. Take photographs such as this one:
8. Have impromptu dance party with cut out groom. Swear to never ever post said photos on the internet.
9. Spend the weekend with 9 girls– most of which you didn’t previously know. Consider the following sing-a-long options are the fire your last night together: kumbaya, the Girl Scout song about friends. Settle for high fives because they’re all pretty rad.
10. Send the bride off Sunday afternoon to her promised life of monogamous bliss. And then nap like this again:
*When will I learn– white wine, tequila, champagne, gin and vodka 1403% do not mix well together.