Tag Archives: Roommate A

Hey Guys!


I turned in a wallet I found walking into my Metro station last week and didn’t even think about stealing her $6.  That guarantees me good karma for a solid week, right?

(Wow, it just took me an extra long time to figure out how to spell guarantee.  Maybe that’s why I failed the GREs this weekend.  Oh, you think you can’t fail the GREs?  Allow me to rephrase: SOMEONE has to be in the 5th percentile.  Maybe I should have studied.  High five.)


I was at Iron Horse this weekend after shoveling a shit ton of pasta into my mouth in celebration of Roommate A’s birthday and struck up conversation with the gentleman standing next to me at the bar.  After establishing that he was single, seemingly normal, gainfully employed and easy on the eyes (and not for me), I told him that I had the perfect woman for him– Friend B.

I worked wing-woman skills like you’ve never seen before.  I showed him Facebook pictures of Friend B, quizzed him on likes and dislikes, creepily took his picture (with his consent, otherwise would just be stalker-level creepy) to send to Friend B (who gave the nod of approval) and got his contact information.  I sent them both an e-mail of introduction yesterday afternoon and suggested they grab drinks.  They are doing just that tomorrow night.  No big deal.

I’m INCREDIBLY proud of myself.  I wish them a life of happiness so I can forever take credit.  No pressure though, guys.  No pressure.


I spent the majority of Friday night watching the Olympic diving trials.  Hard to have a conversation when men with 0% body fat are on the big screen in Speedos.  I’m sorry– what were you saying?  He just did a back flip and now he’s all wet.

I would never say that I’m un-patriotic by any means.  I love fireworks and hot dogs and will drink Bud Light if it’s in front of me, but wouldn’t say I’m super super into American pride by any stretch.  But during the Olympics, I get all excited and American as hell and resist all urges to run around town yelling USA! USA! USA! at the top of my lungs.  I’m so excited.


Happy birthday, Roommate A!  Your gift is another year of sheer bliss living in the same household as me.  The feeling is mutual.



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10 on Thursday

1.  I am fully aware that my blogging skills sucked this week, but quite frankly I had nothing interesting to say.  As it goes– if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all and if you can’t think if witty shit to post on the internets, force your readers to continue Facebook stalking to kill time at the office.  My deepest apologies.

2.  I repeat, who wants to date Andy B?  Poor showing, y’all.  He is adorable and just waiting to be spooned.

3.  He did inform me Friday afternoon that he actually voted for Kerry in a college-induced liberal haze.  I stand corrected.

4.  I got an e-mail from my friend last night telling me he found my profile on the dating website HowAboutWe.  I signed myself up last summer and then promptly forgot about it, as they wanted me to pay money to participate.  And I will not pay money to get rejected by strangers on the internet.  I can do that for free, thank you very much.

It took me 10 whole minutes to figure out how to delete my profile this morning, which is a long time to try and remove yourself from a dating website.

5.  There was another thing about breasts, but I decided it was inappropriate.  Here is the second thing about breasts though:  The font was entirely too small on the name tags at the conference in Wichita last month.  It was about halfway through the reception that I realized the 100+ male attendees were not trying to look down my shirt, but read my name tag.

6.  Roommate A likes to put this carpet freshener powder on the floor before he vacuums, which he did last night with passion.  He is partial to the Hawaiian scent, which makes our house smell like a tropical brothel.  Fruity and trashy!

7.  How ’bout Ohio?  It’s just like Jumanji!  Can you imagine having to call 911 because you have a lion straight kicking it in your backyard?

8.  My friend Kate (who lives in Chicago) texted me the other day to ask me why I was listening to country music.  Thanks, Spotify, for broadcasting my poor music taste to the entire world.  I’ll listen to Adele on repeat for 3 days or country music if I damn well please.

9.  Roommate A was Brett Favre’s penis last year for Halloween and being that he didn’t want to let a perfectly good penis costume go to waste, has settled on dressing as Anthony Weiner’s penis this year.  There is never a short of penis scandals, are there?

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Shower Schedule

Roommate A is once again employed– we’re very proud!  After months of diligently job hunting, he received and accepted a job offer that sent him back to work yesterday.  And with his recent employment, a new shower schedule must be maneuvered.

That’s right– we’ve got one bathroom.  One bathroom that must shower and shave 4 people each and every morning (I shave my legs!  Sometimes…) before sending us out into the world.  We’ve gotten it down to a refined science that involves some banging on bedroom doors in the morning and waterproof watches.

When Roommate C moved out a couple months ago and we were Craig’s Listing the replacement, we asked “what time do you prefer to shower in the morning?” before even start to question whether or not the potential new roommate was a serial killer.  And quite frankly, the shower thing was much more important.

For a couple of months last year, Roommate A and I had to be at the same train stop Monday – Friday by 9AM.  Before he decided to just get up earlier and I decided I was just going to add a little hustle to my morning– there was a couple of weeks that we were essentially doing our showering etc. together with the safety of a opaque shower curtain to protect us.  I would shower and he would shave.  He would shower and I would brush my teeth.  Up close and personal roommate bonding.

We eventually straightened it out– he would shower first and start making us breakfast while I got dressed, I would clean up breakfast if I didn’t have a fashion crisis, he would often yell from the bottom of the stairs “hurry the fuck up”.  We’d eat our egg sandwiches and walk to the Metro holding hands in the morning.  Just kidding, we didn’t hold hands, but it was still very adorable.  I’m looking forward to having my morning buddy again and very happy for you, Roommate A.

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